Direct from the WTF file

February 24, 2010

So a few days ago DH and I were at his aunt and uncle’s 40th anniversary party.  It was a nice time.  We sat at the “kids” table (although the youngest kid was 33) and it was good.  I had no other role but to sit and chat and eat.  Can’t beat that.

After dinner though, the MIL dropped this on me.  And my head is still spinning several days after the fact.  She asked me how the fertility doctor appointment went.  Fair enough, I had mentioned it to her late last summer and never followed up.  I told her the outcome in a nut shell and she agreed with me.  She didn’t think it was a good idea to take potentially unsafe drugs either and she’s a breast cancer survivor so she knows first hand what those drugs can do to you.

But here’s where it gets weird.  Really really weird.  She lowered her voice and asked me if we had considered a donor.  I was a bit confused and had to ask for clarification.  A sperm donor she said.  Wasn’t there someone we could ask to donate sperm?  A friend?  Or a family member?  Afterall, just because the baby wouldn’t be biologically be DH’s didn’t mean in her opinion that it wasn’t mine.  For the record DH has sperm, he just doesn’t have a lot of them and they are kind of slow.

My jaw hit the floor.  The whole conversation skeeved me out to be honest.  Asking for someone’s sperm is a little weird but it happens.  I’m not entirely sure though, how you’d even go about doing it.  Do you randomly pick some hot guy and approach him with a cup and ask him for 20 minutes of his time?  Do you canvass your male friends?  Which might make future gatherings kind of awkward, especially if you bring the kid along.  Not to mention I don’t care for 95% of DH’s male friends.  Do you hit up the local university and offer a case of beer?  Do you check out the males in the family?  I don’t know about you but I have no desire for my family tree branches to be stunted so asking a family member is not an option.  Besides, how weird would it be trying to figure out who’s related to who and how afterwards.  Sweet mother of Jesus can you imagine the therapy bills?

However, I’m not entirely sure that asking some guy, cup in hand, was exactly what the MIL was getting at.  Which makes it EVEN CREEPIER.  While she didn’t get too detailed, she told me that back in the village some woman had done this and all three people (the husband, wife and donor) had no issue and she didn’t see what the problem was.  Especially if I got pregnant.  Umm here’s the problem.  If you are advocating (between the lines) for me to have sex with some guy who is NOT my husband just to get knocked up I am not cool with that.  Unless said guy is Clive Owen or George Clooney or John Krasinsky.  But those three aside, I do take my marriage vows seriously.  And they explictly state I don’t get to hop into bed with random guys.  Even to get knocked up.

I mentioned to her that perhaps we’d just rethink the adoption option and she was adamant.  No no no she said.  You can’t adopt, the baby won’t be yours.  Which is kind of ironic given that if I followed her advice and somehow obtained sperm from some guy who is NOT my husband the baby wouldn’t be his so I’m not sure how she is justifying this in her weird and twisted mind.

I guess it would be less weird to have my own mother suggest that I do this (although in reality she is just as horrified and creeped out by the whole thing as I am).  But to have my husband’s mother suggest this is just plain woo-woo weird.  Two cups of crazy weird.  And futher confirms my belief that she is completely self-absorbed and cares only for what her friends think and not her childrens’ happiness.  Afterall, what kind of woman would outright tell her daughter-in-law to find some guy and get him to knock her up….either with a cup and a turkey baster or the old fashioned way?

And how does she think her son will feel if he ever finds out?  I can only imagine that conversation.  Oh honey, there’s a little something I didn’t tell you about Junior…..yeah don’t think so.

But the highlight of the whole conversation (oh it gets so much better) was when she told me that she asks God every day why He is punishing her.  She says that between her good-for-nothing daughter  not wanting to get married and give her grandchildren (because it’s ALL about the MIL) and her son who so far hasn’t given her grandchildren she tells God everyday to stop punishing her.  Yeah, because a) God has nothing else to do but listen to my MIL…forget the war in the Middle East, poverty, global warming, injustice and the like, His first priority needs to be making sure I get knocked up and b) she’s a good person who doesn’t deserve this.

Now I don’t know about you but in my opinion (and probably God’s) good people don’t suggest that their daughters-in-law look outside of their marriage to find men to impregnate them.  Just saying.