Two down and one to go

So this past weekend DH and I went to Widsor, well, Tecumseh if you want to get technical, for a wedding.  One of DH’s friends from university was getting married, and to be honest, neither of us were all that interested in going.  DH felt obligated, as his friend had come to our wedding, but he didn’t expect to know a lot of people so wasn’t super excited.  I’m not keen on the bride (watching paint dry is more interesting than talking to her) and I’ve met the groom three times so I didn’t expect to know anyone there.  I was considerably less than super excited to go.  My tomatoes needed staking, the bathroom needed mopping and I have about six loads of laundry to do.   Plus, let’s face it, it’s Tecumseh, ON.  Not the world’s most glamorous place to go for a weekend away.

Let’s start by once again discussing wedding  invitations.  Yes, they are small but you don’t really need to put much information on them….the name of the couple, the time of the ceremony and oh, perhaps the address of the church.  Is it really that difficult to get street names spelled correctly?  And how about throwing in a map for your out of town guests?  Sure there’s Google and GPS but if you haven’t spelled the name of the street correctly, a  GPS isn’t going to be all that helpful (ask me how we know this) and the last time I checked, wifi didn’t extend to the EC Row Expressway. 

Also, if you write on your invitation that the reception will immediately follow the ceremony, please follow through.  Guests who travel three+ hours to your ceremony through inclement weather generally don’t have a lot of time to have lunch or a snack at the very least, once they’ve checked in to their hotel and changed for your wedding.  If you’d like to spend three hours after your ceremony having your pictures taken it’s certainly your prerogative but you might want to think about letting your guests in on that plan so that we can GO SOMEWHERE ELSE AND EAT SOMETHING INSTEAD OF SITTING AT A COUNTRY CLUB MAKING SMALL TALK WITH STRANGERS OR LISTEN TO THE WAIT STAFF BITCH THE BRIDAL COUPLE OUT FOR BEING LATE.  Ahem.  Sorry.  I feel very strongly about clear communication. 

Finally, once all your guests are seated and trying not to eat their own arms since the last time they ate anything more substantial than a cocktail shrimp was maybe six hours ago, it’s generally considered uncouth to have a relative yell from the door into the hall at large that the receiving line has started and we’d better hurry and get through it. 

And speaking of uncouth….it was clearly evident which side of the couple the guests were on.  His side was tastefully dressed in suits, summer dresses of appropriate length and sandals.  Her side wore prom dresses, dresses Britney Spears would consider over the top, hooker shoes and I’ve no idea how much hairspray was used to keep those updos in place but my guess is that scientists have probably discovered a new hole in the ozone layer somewhere in the vicinity of Windsor.  Rule number one for female guests…the bride is the centre of attention.  Not your 18 year old daughter who has elected to wear stripper shoes she can’t walk in and her tunic tank top as a dress.

Please also try to reign in drunken Aunt Cougar who clearly thought that it was a good idea to consume one too many gin and tonics and hang off of and lick the faces of every guy in the room under 25.  I kid you not.  I witnessed this as I ate my one pastry from the sweet table (140 guests require a lot of desserts my friends) and DH was pretty pissed he missed out on the wedding cake.  In theory it should easily have fed us all.  In reality, when you’re eating a 2×4  inch slab you gotta know it’s not going to be nearly enough.  He shouldn’t have worried though, it wasn’t great cake. 

Back to uncouth, there are three things you should never discuss with strangers – politics, sex and religion.  Numbers two and three led to a “vigorous” discussion at our table where one of the parties to this vigorous discussion told me I was no fun and needed to drink more so I would get to be fun.  Oh yes, he also commented on our childless state (he MUST be Greek!).  He scolded the waiter for not leaving wine at our table (having them come once every 10 minutes to refill our glasses was clearly not fast enough) and he complained bitterly about having the bar closed during dinner.  I guess the six Bud Lights he had prior to dinner and teh two he brought to the table were not enough to keep the buzz going?  And let’s not talk about the girl who never shut up about when she lived in London ENGLAND (not Ontario don’t you know), her iPhone, how close she was to the bride (yet funnily enough didn’t know how the bride and groom met) and then proceeded to pick herself out of every picture in the slideshow (and loudly announce ”oooo that’s me!” to us at the table because clearly there was no way without yer help we’d be able to  match the face on the screen to the face in front of us). 

It was a loooooong dinner, which was vaguely unsatisfying although tablemates excluded, I can’t put my finger on why.  I like chicken, spinach salad, asparagus, sweet potatoes and ice cream.  I think one scoop of rasperberry gelato is a bit chintzy for dessert though.  I guess I’m spoiled after going to ethnic weddings my entire life and having to waddle away from the table afterwards only to start stuffing my face at the dessert table an hour or so later.

So, invitation accuracy issues, very late bride and groom, white trash guests, obnoxious tablemates, vaguely unsatisfactory dinner, a shortage of desserts….not the best wedding I’ve been to.  I have the third of three weddings to go to in three weeks (DH will be away so my other co-worker and I will be each other’s date).  And if one person who is a complete stranger to me asks me why we don’t have kids yet, well, I think I will finally use that comeback I was told this time last year….oh, DH and I don’t have sex that way.

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